What is the purpose?
- 22 hours ago
- 7 min read
For most people, becoming a parent means having plans, dreams, goals, and aspirations for your children and family. You think about milestones and you look forward to watching your children learn and grow.
Becoming a parent doesn't usually include considering the possibility that your child will die; that you will watch a casket close on their lifeless body, never to see them again in this life; that you won't get to watch them grow up but instead visit the place where their body is buried and ache with excruciating pain from missing them; that you won't reach those milestones you dreamed of.
What happens when your child is then taken from this life? What happens to all those hopes and dreams you had for your child and your family? What happens to who you are and your identity? How do we view the world now? How do we trust God when He saw it good to take our child from this life by the horror of brain cancer? How do we carry this as we continue to live this life and raise our other children? What is the purpose of this all?
Before Owen was diagnosed with high grade glioma, an aggressive terminal brain cancer, life seemed to be coasting along alright. Owen was loving school, Logan would be starting school the following year, we were expecting another baby, my garden kept getting bigger each year, I (Amanda) was playing piano more again for a local choir and our church, and Rick was working a lot and doing well at work. I thought my relationship with the Lord was in a good place. I thought I understood who God is. I thought the trials I had already faced were enough to teach me what I needed to know in this life.
Boy was I ever wrong.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9
That's quite the Bible verse. A hard pill to swallow so to speak. We want to have everything planned out. We want things to go our way. We want to be in control. We so easily lose sight of the fact that God is in control of all things, including each of our lives, and that He often times has a plan much different than ours, but always with a much greater purpose than we can even imagine.
"In the ever-changing circumstances of life, there is a faithful, never-changing God in control. Every day begins and ends with His purpose." (Author unknown)
I know that what God is orchestrating through all this pain and heartache is so intricate, beautiful and glorifying to Him, and we will be astounded to see it revealed on the day of glory. But wow, what a test of faith that is. Because I felt so close to the Lord before Owen got sick, I now feel like I've been betrayed by a really good friend. Right now everywhere I turn is painful. Everything I do hurts. Living each day past Owen's death has been excruciating.
Yet I have always known that God is trustworthy and that His ultimate plan for His people is good. And I have to admit we already see positive things as a result of the journey we have been walking. Would we have asked for Owen to die so that these things could happen? Never! But we are living proof that God can use the most horrible pain for positive change. Just talk to Rick about how the Lord has worked in his life; the "wake-up call" he got from God regarding the path he was on. And we see how our marriage has been strengthened through fiery trials when the odds were so big that it could've all fallen apart.
What is God's purpose with what has happened in our life?
Our faith has been shaken at its foundation.
We have experienced a pain that is unimaginable; a pain that has humbled us and caused us to question everything we know and everything we are; a pain that has unraveled us, left us shaken and trying to find our footing again.
In a recent sermon it was said that God bestows blessing upon blessing on us so that we might come to Him. My own question following that was, "But what if He takes one of His most wonderful blessings away from you? How does He plan to draw us to Him then?"
If God loves and cares for me because I am His child, how is it loving that He allowed Owen to die?
We can look back and see how God was loving and gracious to Owen by allowing opportunities to prepare his soul to meet his Maker. But how was it loving and caring to allow Owen to suffer from the effects of his cancer and die such a slow, painful death?
Even though we love the Lord, we still have many big questions and have faced many doubts.
Back in January last year I wrote a blog post on blooming where you're planted. It was so much easier to do that when Owen was still alive. But now? I don't want to be planted here. And because of that, I feel I am struggling to bloom.
And yet, in this all, we can still see God. We can still see His hand in our lives, especially as we look back.
I think of Psalm 66: 10-12 where it says "For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid affliction on our backs. You have caused men to ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water; BUT You brought us out to rich fulfillment." Is God refining us? Being held to the heat of the refiner's fire hurts, but we see here that there is hope. And God also wants to remind us that "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" (Isaiah 43: 2-3)
This life holds much pain, and we are wrestling with why God allowed Owen to die. But we know God doesn't send trials and suffering to His people only to leave them in the midst of it. No, He stays with us through it. We know this because, when we cannot go on, we still do because of God. And He may use what is excruciatingly painful and unbearably hard to draw us to Him and to mold, shape, and transform us to be more Christ-like.
When I came across Psalm 119: 71, I wrestled with it and questioned it. But it's in the Bible for a reason: "It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes." This speaks about being led to a new or greater intimacy with the Lord through trials and suffering. Yes, that has been true for us. We have seen God in ways we would have never imagined! But we have been wrestling with calling Owen's death a good thing. As bereaved parents, I don't think we ever can. How can good come out of watching a 7 year old boy die?
And as we wrestle with finding comfort, Psalm 119: 75-76 goes on to say "...in faithfulness You have afflicted me. Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort...". Deep down we know God is good and faithful and merciful. We know He is the great Comforter. But It's been a spiritual journey as we grapple with the question of how our faithful and merciful God could allow our son to die from brain cancer. Could there not have been an easier way to accomplish His purposes? This way hurts so much.
Even though God has shown Himself in such intimately personal ways on the journey through Owen's sickness, death, and now our grief, we are still human and still have many struggles and face numerous spiritual battles. Until Christ comes again and makes all things new for His people, we will continue to struggle and to battle doubts, fears, and questions. It doesn't mean we don't love God and don't believe in Him. I believe that in our questions, struggles, and uncertainties, He can meet us there. He has met me there countless times, and He still does as we face this life and all it holds one day at a time.
Our God can handle it all.
He is a patient God. He is a big God. As I sing to my kids "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do." And there's nothing He doesn't already know, there's nothing he cannot handle from us.
I have been reading through the minor prophets lately, and it's convicting but also comforting to see how patient God was with the Israelites. He didn't give up on them. At our lowest points, in our darkest moments, during our most intense struggles, God won't give up on His people. I see how He used people in my life - I call them my angels - to save my life a few months ago when I was fighting some fierce battles and done living with all this pain. (Experiencing that really brought Psalm 91:11-12 alive for me - His angels were there to protect me.) God didn't give up on me. He stayed patient with me through very dark times. Even though the constant wrestling since Owen's death has been so wearisome, God's grace and mercy has still been so undeniable. And we have to thank Him for Who He is in this all.
Will we ever receive all the answers to our questions? Will we ever understand God's purposes and His ultimate plan? I don't think we are humanly capable of handling that all. Oh how we look forward to eternity, for this pain to be over, and to see and even rejoice in how God has worked everything together for His glory. Job did not see God's plan for all his suffering. But to this day, we are still gleaning and benefitting from Job's story, the weight of the pain he carried, and how he carried it.
"Then Job answered the Lord and said: "I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You."" Job 42: 1-2
