So Weak And Weary, But Carried By Grace
I feel like a boat bobbing up and down in the water...constantly up and down...feeling God's nearness, seeing His grace and care and provision, and then dropping down into wrestling with all that has happened, at times teetering on the edge of despair, and questioning God's purposes and even His goodness at times. Up and down. Maybe you have also sensed this up and down "bobbing" from these last few blog posts. Welcome to the ride of grief. It has been a journey trying to find some steady ground again as we figure out how to carry both sorrow and joy, how to carry our love for God and our questions for Him all at the same time.
We are thankful that we know Owen is in Heaven, but it is not comforting that we have to continue living here without him. The pain is so intense; that separation of death is excruciating.
Who are we now? I have been wrestling with that. I don't recognize myself and because of that it's easy to feel lost in this life.
Granger Smith's response to that question in one of his sermons was by simply adding two letters and asking "Whose are we?".
What a question. Whose are we? Who takes care of our every need? Who gives us the strength and ability to face hard things? Who carries us when we cannot walk this life on our own? Who can we run to when we hurt, doubt, are scared, or are overwhelmed? Who is unchanging, unwavering, and will never leave His people? Who has made a way for salvation from our sin for us AND for our young children? As much as we are currently wrestling with truth, wrestling with doubts and questions, wrestling with trust, and wrestling with the fact that Owen died and we have to live with that pain for the rest of our lives, we know the answer to these questions. We know God, through Jesus, sits with us in our pain and sorrow, and walks with us through the fires and storms. We know He is where we can find our true identity no matter what this life brings.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73: 26 (ESV)
"He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God". Psalm 62: 6-7
Losing your child is the most unimaginable pain and life-changing thing that can happen to a parent.
I see the difference in grief between Rick and myself. Rick's relationship to Owen as his father was much different than my relationship to Owen as his mother. We are grieving the same precious boy, but we feel the pain differently and so our grief journeys are different. It has been hard to see each other grieve and hurt so much, but we both know we cannot fix each other and we cannot take away the pain we both feel. And so by God's grace we try to support one another as best we can while allowing the grief.
We know that Owen was God's. We know all our children are God's. We know that our primary job is to raise, teach and guide our children to Christ, preparing them for eternity. But what a test it is for us when He takes them back to Himself when that is the LAST thing we want. No parent wants their child to beat them to eternity.
God gave Owen to us to birth, to raise, and to love. We love him more than anyone on this earth ever could. No one will ever fully understand our pain of Owen's loss. Only God knows exactly what we are feeling and experiencing. And as much as we do not understand His purposes, we know we can take everything to Him and He will not turn us away.
We will never again have a recent picture of Owen. We will never know what he would've been like as he got older. It's no one's fault, but it is so hard to see parents proudly showing off pictures of their kids and what they are all doing when my oldest child will forever be 7. It's even hard for me to scroll through my own camera roll and see the pictures of my own children now and not have any recent pictures of Owen there. And so, people will see the pictures we have of our beautiful oldest boy over and over because we don't get to take any more of him - that's what we have and how we can remember him. We were not blessed with more years with him.
This year of firsts has been unbearably hard. I have been hit in the face with Owen's death daily and almost everywhere I turn as we do everything for the first time without him. There has been no reprieve from the pain and I wonder how much longer can I carry on like this. Some days my body starts to physically give up and my mind just can't take it anymore. I am weak and weary.
A while ago, a good friend shared the song "His Grace Will Carry You". I have listened to it often as I try to keep clinging to God and keep reminding myself of truth and Who He is in the midst of all this pain and wrestling.
When you feel weak and weary,
When doubts cloud all your view,
Remember God is working,
His grace will carry you.
He made you in His image,
Adopted as His own,
Through trials and through struggles,
His love has always shown.
(Chorus)
I believe in what God's doing,
In your heart and in your life.
He's refining, He's transforming,
Through the battles and the strife.
He will finish what He started,
By His Spirit, you'll be strong.
I believe in what God's doing,
Through you, His work goes on.
So take heart when the road is long,
For His promises remain.
He is shaping, He is leading,
Through the joy and through the pain.
Every step is held by mercy,
Every tear will not be lost.
God is working, ever faithful,
Jesus paid the final cost.
May God have mercy on us and hold us fast, especially when our faith wavers under the weight of pain and trials in our life. May He hold us fast when we walk through refining fires and stormy waters. May our hearts remain pliable to God's work in us. May He continue to patiently be there for us as we wrestle and question and cry and hurt.
"My heart is severely pained within me, and the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me, and horror has overwhelmed me. So I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Indeed, I would wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest."" Psalm 55: 4-8
"Cast your burdens on the Lord, and He shall sustain you;" Psalm 55: 22a
"It is God Who arms me with strength..." Psalm 18: 32a
"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." James 1: 12 (ESV)
So thankful that Owen is safe in the arms of Jesus. And we continue to pray for the rest of the family, that you will also be comforted, knowing that Jesus loves you and cares for each of you.