Pour out your heart and find strength
Christ invites us to "Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." (Psalm 62:8.)
Since Owen's cancer journey and death, pouring out my heart to God has taken on many different forms.
It can look like tears falling, feeling crushed by this life.
It can look like literally crawling to Christ in overwhelming pain and sorrow, hardly able to think or do anything, crying out "help". Because in some moments, that's all I can muster; not knowing what I need, but knowing I need God and His help.
It can look like a more formal prayer, laying it all out before the Lord; all the pain and sorrow, and the things that are just not understood.
It can look like conversing with the Lord throughout the day. Speaking with Him when something comes to mind or when we find ourselves needing to feel near to Him.
It can look like asking questions. Because the number of questions that have come up for me on this journey could probably fill a whole book. How does God expect a mother to carry all this pain and grief? How does one keep going on after the death of their child? Why can't God just take away the pain and suffering of His people now already? Why have some been tasked to carry such heavy burdens in this life? How can God make His name excellent through my weakness and struggles? Couldn't there have been a different way, an easier way for God to accomplish His plan? How does God handle seeing all the sorrow on this earth? How are we supposed to accept that God felt it best that Owen would die? Why has God completely shaken our lives and all that we know and believe? Is it possible to find true peace again? Will God grant the ability to fully trust and surrender to Him without it being a constant battle? Will I ever feel happiness again?
God wants us to pour out our hearts to Him.
He wants to be our rock, our shelter, our strong tower, our defense, our hope, our salvation, and our refuge (as found in Psalms 61 and 62). No matter what we are facing in this life, we are encouraged in Psalm 62:8 to "Trust in Him at all times, you people:" and to "Pour out your heart before Him." Why? Because "God is a refuge for us."
I wish I could always feel this - the ability to trust God at all times, to always feel that He is my refuge. So often I still wonder where God is in my life and what good will come from this journey we are on. Pouring out my heart to God is usually tears and constant questions coming from the raw pain. And truthfully, I have doubted. Doubted in who God is because of the suffering that happens on this earth. Our loss of Owen has made me completely reevaluate and question my faith and everything I believe. In that, I know the Lord has been showing me so much of Who He is. But with regret I have to say it has not been a road of fully trusting and surrendering. I often wrestle with what I know to be true and what I feel.
After we watched Logan get on the bus to go to school this morning, my cry to God was, "God, this all hurts too much!" I felt panic that I couldn't go on facing all these hard things. It was a very lonely feeling. One that I can't even fully put to words. Owen is missed more than words can say, and missing him hurts more than words can say.
The Lord, in His grace, has continued to bring one of His promises to me over and over. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Found in Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5) The sheer number of times I have heard that in sermons, songs, podcasts, books I'm reading, or text message encouragements, I can't deny the Lord is reminding me that He is near on this journey. He won't leave us in our grief over Owen. He won't abandon us on those days we can hardly do the bare minimum. I need these constant reminders. Because so often I feel left alone, wondering where God is when I'm struggling so much to do the next thing. Being gently reminded of truth and clinging to truth when our feelings and emotions are so intense is necessary, and in the end can help us to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus or bring our eyes back to looking to Jesus.
Through His infinite grace and compassion, our faithful God has continued to hold us and steer us back to truth as needed when we are struggling to see His light in the midst of our darkness.
Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Helen Howarth Lemmel)
O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There's light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free.
(Chorus)
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
I don't feel equipped to carry the burdens we have been called to carry. What parent is equipped to bear the unbearable sorrow of the death of their child? There are so many moments of feeling utterly crushed by our pain. My heart reiterates what David says in Psalm 61: 1-2, "Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." In Psalm 62: 7 we read that God is "the rock of my strength". The Lord will be our Rock if we allow Him to be. He wants us to pour out our hearts to Him and find strength in Him.
"My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73: 26)
He Will Hold Me Fast (Ada Habershon vs 1-2, Matt Merker vs 3)
1)When I fear my faith will fail,
Christ will hold me fast;
When the tempter would prevail,
He can hold me fast.
I could never keep my hold,
He must hold me fast;
For my love is often cold,
He must hold me fast.
2)Those He saves are His delight,
Christ will hold me fast;
Precious in His holy sight,
He will hold me fast.
He'll not let my soul be lost;
His promises shall last;
Bought by Him at such a cost,
He will hold me fast.
(Chorus)
He will hold me fast,
He will hold me fast,
For my Savior loves me so,
He will hold me fast.
3)For my life He bled and died,
Christ will hold me fast;
Justice has been satisfied;
He will hold me fast.
Raised with Him to endless life,
He will hold me fast
'Till our faith is turned to sight
When He comes at last!
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