Holding on

Owen is holding on. He is a fighter, a warrior, battling this nasty brain cancer with all he’s got. We did not think he would make it through this week, but he is still here and fighting. We were given days to have him here with us on this earth because of the signs his body was showing, but he has surprised us with his strength and resilience, qualities that have made us so proud of him this whole entire journey. This is proof that our days are numbered by God alone and everything happens according to His time and purpose.

We are holding on to these tender moments. Moments of caring for Owen, gently washing and dressing him, timing his breathing and counting his breaths, crying by his bed, holding his hand, listening to music with him, slowing down and soaking in every blessing the Lord is granting us right now.

We are conflicted, emotionally pulled in every direction, not sure what the best scenario is, wanting one thing but also wanting another. We want Owen healed, but if that’s not the Lord’s will then we want this to be over and Owen to be taken to everlasting glory with his Lord and Saviour, even though we are not ready for the latter. This journey has been hard on us and on our family. We don’t have the time, the energy, or the mental space to prioritize certain relationships or to connect with each other or our kids as well as we want to. It’s been difficult walking through this trial and trying to keep things normal because nothing is normal right now. Sitting in limbo here with Owen still fighting, yet seeing the looming outcome sitting on the horizon but unsure when we will get there or what that will look like is so exhausting.

Our life is on hold. Yes we are holding on to God’s goodness and faithfulness in providing and carrying us through this. He has helped us to keep Owen relatively calm and peaceful. He has alleviated some of my anxiety attacks and worries and brought a sense of peace to me in the midst of this wild storm. He has allowed beautiful moments with Owen and our other children. But not being able to move on, to live life, to be a part of the community, to be a part of our church family, is taking its toll. I physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot bring myself to go anywhere right now. I need to be by Owen’s side as his mother and as his caregiver. And I don’t know when I’ll be able to go out when this journey is over. Right now I cannot see past losing him; I don’t know how I will carry on without him. Yet sitting here in this stage of the journey is taking its toll on all aspects of our life right now.

Seeing Owen like he is, laying there, unable to do anything, unable to really live, seeing the pain he still endures and knowing that he is dying…I don’t know how much longer I can handle watching my little boy suffer like this! I finally hit a point this week where I cried to God and asked Him to please heal Owen now or else take him to Himself, to relieve him from this suffering. Please continue to pray for our family, for the relationships in our family, for the mental and emotional well-being of Rick, myself and our other children.

Watching your son slowly die is awful; It’s a painful, horrible road to walk. But we can keep coming back to God’s goodness to us in this storm. He hears our cries and His mercies are new each day. The Bible verse in my kitchen window sill right now from Matthew 11:28 is “Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” This test of faith is nothing like we’ve ever experienced before. Every day we have to work to give everything over to God, to trust His will for Owen and our family, and to rest in Him.

A beautiful hymn that has new meaning to me lately especially being unsure as to how much more we can handle is He Giveth More Grace by Annie J. Flint:

1)He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,

To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

2)When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

3)Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,

Our God ever yearns His resources to share;

Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;

The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

(Chorus)His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.