Where to go from here

Last November 2024, Owen was alive and battling episodes of being very sick. This November 2025, he is gone from this life; his body is buried in the ground and his soul is in heaven with Jesus his Lord and Saviour. Life without Owen still feels so surreal, like I could just pinch myself and wake up from this…but I can’t. It’s been a month since Owen died; a month without our precious boy. It’s such a wild feeling wanting, no needing time to stop. Yet it just keeps going. Life around us continues on, but it all feels so wrong.

I (Amanda) was faced with a question in my personal devotions (from Nancy Guthrie’s one year book of HOPE): Will I surrender my future into the loving hands of God? As I pondered that question I had to ask myself another one: Do I trust God even though I am living a parent’s worst nightmare and “my soul is weary with sorrow” (Psalm 119:28)?

This pain we feel with Owen’s death hurts so bad. The feeling cannot be described; It’s too painful, hurts too deep, aches too much to really put words to it. It’s the kind of pain you can’t understand until you experience it. Nothing in the world can prepare you to lose your child. Nothing. And the feeling of being lost, the ache and longing to have them back, the intense feelings of sadness, hurt, anger, guilt and loneliness that surface everywhere are things that you cannot be ready for. This awful pain is inescapable. But praise be to the Lord for helping us to keep our eyes on Him; that we have Christ, and can run to Him with all our pain, sorrow and intense feelings and emotions, and that we have His Holy Word in which to find comfort and a little balm for our hearts. He alone is the only real Comforter.

Grief has been a rollercoaster ride all on its own. I’ve never liked rollercoasters, but this past year has taken us on some narly rides as we faced Owen’s diagnosis, did various treatments with him, watched him fight with such strength and bravery, and watched him decline and slowly die. The parallels between the birth of a child and the death of a child are crazy. I “nested” during the last days of Owen’s life, wanting things cleaned and organized, awaiting a major life change just like I did before Owen was born. We made phone calls to tell people of Owen’s passing just like we did to announce his birth. Our grief during Owen’s last days looked like our family cocooning and wanting no one extra around. We spent time at home, together and close to Owen.

We grieved in shock, utter pain and despair the first days and weeks after Owen passed away. I could not pray for days following Owen’s death, I just didn’t know what to pray and I couldn’t form words to pray. My brain did not work well, I could not function well, I wanted to be left alone. Thankfully the Lord provided strength to Rick to do the next thing when it came to caring for the kids. Those weeks were a whirlwind of burying our son and trying to survive life.

But now something has shifted again. The ache and pain have seemed to travel deeper yet. Grief is an everchanging experience. You don’t know when you’ll cry or be mad or be able to paste on a smile. You don’t know how you will handle something ahead of time, and pain and emotions can take over so suddenly. There has been much clinging to Christ this month as we navigate grief and life without Owen. We don’t cry every time his name is mentioned, but sorrow makes us question: Will we ever be happy again? How can we be happy? Will I be able to live and face people again? What if I forget things about Owen? I don’t want to forget anything about him!

I look in the mirror and see how I’ve aged and how as a person I’ve changed on this journey with Owen, and I didn’t expect the physical pain in my body as a result of everything we’ve been through. The grief we carry is so heavy it feels like something is physically pushing down on me. Owen’s journey and his death have been an incredibly hard - impossible - burden to carry. But by God’s grace and with His strength we continue to put one foot in front of the other.

I don’t blame the world for carrying on. We see the seasons changing. Logan goes to school. Rick is back at work. Things keep happening and Christmas is just around the corner. But as life continues on, we don’t want Owen left out of our family. He will always be a part of our family story. We want to keep his memory alive. We want to talk about him. We love seeing pictures of him. It will hurt as people stop thinking about him and I am not ready for that yet - but we also understand that may happen down the road. We are Owen’s parents; we saw him and thought about him every day when we got up in the morning and when we went to bed at night for his whole life. You can’t just erase the existence of your firstborn son. I still have to deal with Owen’s things. It feels so wrong and unfair to pack it into bins, like a betrayal to him.

Owen’s absence hurts so bad. I have no desire to do anything. It’s hard to get up in the morning and start the day. I am struggling to get back into a routine without Owen being here. Going out in public and facing people are very difficult things to do right now. When Owen was buried, a part of me was also buried and I will carry the pain of that incompleteness for the rest of my life. That reality is very overwhelming. There is this constant emptiness in our family, someone is missing; like a big hole that’s just there to stay. And now we have to wait for the area around that hole to grow so we have some space to function and live with it in our lives. For the sake of our other four children and for the sake of each other we must find a way to keep going on. Why Owen? A question we have asked multiple times this past month through tears and out of pain. He was such a kind, caring, respectful and overall good kid. Why did he have to suffer so much pain? Why was his little body robbed of all its functions and abilities by the horror of brain cancer? Why did God take Owen from us? We will never fully understand God’s purposes here on this earth. But we trust that He needed Owen to be the precious little boy he was to make the impact that he did through his disease and death. We cry, we hurt, we grieve thinking about everything Owen had to endure. Being left behind on this earth, we grieve as we miss Owen and continue to deal with the effects of sin here below. But oh how I long for heaven and all it’s glory and perfection. As Revelation 21: 4-5a says “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.””

I want to share a song and some Bible passages that the Lord has used to bring comfort and guidance while Owen was sick and since his death. We can cry out to God with all our needs, all our emotions, all our feelings, all our struggles. He can handle it all; He cries with us and He shares in our pain and sorrow. In her devotion book of HOPE, Nancy Guthrie encourages us to think of the word “Manna”. God provided manna to the Isrealites to eat in the wilderness each day. And so let’s also trust Him to daily provide what our broken and shattered hearts need. Where to go from here? To God. Jesus Loves Me (by Anna Bartlett Warner)

Jesus loves me - this I know,

For the Bible tells me so:

Little ones to Him belong -

They are weak, but He is strong.

Jesus loves me - He Who died

Heaven’s gates to open wide;

He will wash away my sin,

Let His little child come in.

Jesus loves me - loves me still,

Though I’m very weak and ill;

From His shining throne on high

Comes to watch me where I lie.

Jesus loves me - He will stay

Close beside me all the way.

Then His little child will take

Up to heaven for His dear sake.

“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand;”

(Psalm 31: 14-15a)

“But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour;”

(Isaiah 43: 1-3a)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

(Philippians 4: 6-7)

“But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40: 31) ^“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ…”(1 Peter 1:3-7)

“Remember my affliction and roaming,

The wormwood and the gall. My soul still remembers

And sinks within me. This I recall to my mind,

Therefore I have hope. Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning;

Great isYour faithfulness.”

(Lamentations 3:19-24)

Much Love,

Rick&Amanda and family

We will love you forever, Owen.